MAY
11
2011
Mickey Blue Eyes...
SUGAR'S UNSWEETNER
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SUGAR'S UNSWEETNER

By

Mickey Blue Eyes

 

 

Last Sunday at 9.00 pm BBC 2 broadcast an hour long TV programme titled Lord Sugar Talks Football. I

t was made by somebody called Dan Trelford; it featured former Tottenham Hotspur owner Alan Sugar shedding crocodile tears over the financial state of professional football in England. At the time of writing you can still see it on BBC iPlayer by clicking here:

I tuned in half expecting what eventually I did see, which was mostly a pile of near-unmitigated shite from a programme producer, Trelford, who didn't know his subject from his arse or his elbow, and a one-dimensional barrow boy talking head, Sugar, who yet again demonstrated that self made men can be merely an example of thick-headed unskilled labour. I say "near-unmitigated" because of course the programme contained some home truths and financial figures it could scarcely avoid without making itself a complete laughing stock. It was also a minor pump primer for Sugar's sado-narcissistic TV sewage, The Apprentice. In total it was a comically unintentional illustration of everything wrong with a demoralised, sullen society riddled with legalised institutional capitalist corruption. Trelford simply didn't have either the knowledge or intent or cultural courage to say so. Perhaps he was afraid of falling foul of the BBC's most recent right wing tabloidesque controllers.

On the face of it you would think Sugar would be the right choice as programme front man. After all, in 1934 Franklin Roosevelt appointed Joe Kennedy chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission, a rat to catch the rats after they had eaten their way through the economy and caused the Great Depression. Maybe likewise Sugar's insider knowledge would not only demonstrate publicly how football finances really work, but, crucially, he would have some formidable suggestions for injecting decency into the body football. After all, he was Tottenham's owner during the period 1991-2001 when he did a deal in tandem with Terry Venables, who became CEO. Two years after buying the club he sacked Venables on the eve of the FA Cup Final and ended up in a losing court battle with him. He sold his last tranche of shares in Spurs in 2007. In the programme he said he bought the club for £8 million and sold it for £50 million, a mark-up of £42 million.  According to an article in The Times of 5th June 2009 he described his time at Tottenham as, "a waste of my life," a phrase he came near to repeating in the TV programme.

Trelford used a format where Sugar interviewed leading personalities in the areas of: Premier League (CEO Richard Scudamore), national/continental association (David Triesman and Michel Platini), club owners (Eggert Magnusson, David Sullivan, David Gold, David Whelan), club administrators (Karen Brady), managers (Harry Redknapp, David Pleat), players (Alan Shearer), players agents (Jerome Anderson), accountants (Dan Jones) and investigative journalists (David Conn). David Morrissey did a voice over link. At the end Sugar produced "A Game Plan." It sounds impressive. Actually it was a rusty bucket of decayed tripe and onions you couldn't sell at Sarfend. Not only did it repeat things we have known for many years, Sugar's "Game Plan" was exactly what you would expect from an "entrepreneur" who knows the price and profit of everything but the value of nothing. Altogether it was a cheap shot programme with the depth of a rain puddle and the kind of production values that wouldn't even find a way into module 1 of a media course from Chingford Correspondence School, second floor, Norman Tebbitt House.

Twenty minutes into the show it became obvious everyone involved was going to shrug and say, "What? Who? Me, guv? Nah....." Fingers pointed everywhere except at themselves. Sugar was the worst of the lot. Plainly still smarting from the ownership experience - he broke down in self-pitying tears during the court case versus Venables - he was at his most belligerent when faced with someone with the same kind of persona. Early on you knew what was going to be the prime target: players wages. Sure enough, he and Dave Whelan agreed there would have to be a wages cap. Indeed Whelan said it had already been discussed between Wigan, Bolton and Blackburn. The implication was all the clubs were considering it.

Shearer said wages were nothing to do with players and only a few were motivated by the money. Redknapp said he didn't even know what his players earned. Sullivan and Gold, previously owners of Birmingham City, said West Ham are still paying off debts incurred because of inherited excessive wages. Anderson denied agents had much of anything to do with the financial state of the game. Sugar said a club should be allowed to die if it didn't pay its way; Scudamore, to his credit, said there was more to it than that, a sense of community.....but seemed more afraid of mass fans demonstrations outside his office window. Sugar could do little more than talk of "brands" and "business models" and how "the fans have to learn" - by which he meant go along with his definitions. Magnusson and Brady were inconsequential make weights. David Conn, a worthy and honest perceptive man, scarcely got a look in. Fans groups weren't considered and were only shown in grainy library footage as a snarling mass wielding impotent banners and incoherent rage at the Glazers or Hicks and Gillette or whoever owns Portsmouth. And of course there was no real consideration of the media role in distorting promotion of the sport, except for brief mention of the TV deals with Murdoch's despised Sky TV.

Trelford, you felt, like most contemporary BBC people, actually likes looking through the wrong end of a telescope. In this case he saw no ships except a small HMS Sugar-in-a-bottle and would doubtless plead he is just a miniaturised crew member anyway; he too ended up saying by implication, and with less excuse, "Not me, guv, not me." Maybe he even kids himself he kidded Sugar into exposing himself; in which case he hasn't done his research because it was all known years ago and has never been forgotten by informed supporters. Uninformed supporters don't really give a toss one way or the other. Trelford had a chance to make something much more useful and profound and simply ended up being part of the system.

Unintentional humour came into play when Sugar openly boasted how he had sabotaged a free-to-air TV deal with ITV in favour of a satellite subscription TV deal with Murdoch's Sky TV. This, while his company was selling satellite dishes to Murdoch! He was quite incapable of seeing how this made him look a a hybrid of Mister Magoo and Arfur Daley pushing a barrow through the East End. Nor did his £42 million profit on the sale of Tottenham merit anything more than an apparent sense of satisfaction. You couldn't help but wonder what on Earth he thinks he sees when he looks in his shaving mirror. But to be fair to him he is true to his type. No matter how ludicrous it is he likely sees himself as "a creator of wealth," or even, in Tom Wolfe's unforgettable tag in The Bonfire of the Vanities, "a Master of the Universe." Probably it is easy to delude yourself thus when you have £730 million.

In fact Sugar could deliver no more than your average tedious barrow boy shtick, the standard garrulous nonsense you can also hear from estate agents and second hand car salesmen. The nearest he got to considering community interests was the creation of a central fund, the kind of idea your averagely intelligent sixth former would come up with after maybe ten minutes of discussion. Even then it was left hanging, no substance at all, dismissed with a wave of the hand.

Interviews throughout were interspersed with meaningless shots of match play and stadia. Then again, Sugar's "Game Plan" only appeared at 47:50 minutes of 58:58. The first thing his "Plan" "considered" was, yes that's right, players wages. This took up two minutes. Next, he "considered" clubs bought through borrowed money. This occupied one minute and twenty seconds. Then he "analysed" penalties for financial failure. This lasted for one minute and forty seconds. Then he "examined" the football creditors rule for one minute fifteen seconds. The last part of the "Plan" was a proposal for a football trust fund that took up one minute thirty seconds. A summary followed in the remaining four minutes twenty eight seconds. Therefore his "Game Plan" was expressed in seven minutes forty five seconds. The fans weren't consulted or even considered in it; during this time the biggest attack was on the players wages. Administrative salaries, shares dealings and owners profits were ignored, including his own profit made during his involvement with Tottenham Hotspur. The final overall assault was on the level of delusion in the game. His unconscious irony was palpable, even laughable.

All in all the programme was a typical product of the current tabloid/textspeak era. This has reduced TV to the kind of cheap public humiliation (see: The Apprentice) that appeals only to the dumbed-down. It has the ersatz sensitivity of supermarket muzak. It encourages nothing but glazed eyes and numbed minds. In fact Trelford's programme was as vibrant and informative as a copy of The Beano, circa 1953. The facts it used were already known to most football supporters. The subject required a media essay that took the issues to the next level, not to stare into the navel of a thoroughly discredited, near-bankrupt system. Sugar's "Game Plan" was nothing of the sort. It was a charter for a TV soap opera based on the same lousy plot, and Trelford merely helped with the script. It was a sad waste of an hour of valuable broadcast time.

It comes as no surprise that nobody would take responsibility, including Sugar. After all, that is the way the system and its motivation is designed. Everything revolves around what an individual gains from it, even including the match result. Once various administrative components and individuals are isolated from each other, each can disclaim responsibility for the other. Trelford and Sugar looked at none of the implications of this. It enabled Sugar to blame the players, fans and agents and completely leave out the responsibility of owners in a shares dealing system that acknowledges only the raw power of majority ownership and the financial institutions who back them. It is indeed absurd and delusional......but not in the way claimed by Sugar.

According to him, he trousered £42 million and walked away and left Tottenham with.......what? David Moores did the same thing at Liverpool. Martin Edwards did it at Manchester United. Doug Ellis did it at Aston Villa. Peter Johnson did it at Everton, and no doubt the present owners will do the same when they too sell on. As we all know, there are many others. Virtually everybody is in the same boat. And Alan Sugar thinks this can all be solved by allowing a few famous clubs to go bankrupt, capping players wages and creating a trust fund? What complete and utter one-dimensional nonsense!

What he and Trelford chose to ignore was what most informed fans have been banging on about for years: make the game majority community owned, level the playing field up not down, eliminate greed as the controlling factor. Nobody acquainted with human nature thinks greed can be completely eliminated but it can be controlled and minimised in a new socially responsible system. Germany has shown the way. If the system is made universally equitable and transparent, wages and expenditure will adjust accordingly. It won't be perfect, but it will be considerably better than the disgusting mess we have now. Unlike Sugar I don't want to see any club or individual trashed - that is the failed economics of Milton Friedman and the Chicago Gang, the rotten-to-the-core organised spivvery that brought us to the present horror. There are alternatives. There are better ways. Sugar, it appears, wouldn't acknowledge them if he tripped over them.

Once upon a long ago time one entertained brief hopes for the BBC. But over the years these have slowly evaporated with the appointments of ex Murdoch employees Andrew Neill, Kelvin MacKenzie and Laura Kuenssberg to add to weasel-eyed Nick Robinson, the vacuum that is Andrew Marr, stick-up-the-arse David Dimbleby and steadily eroding weirdness in Jeremy Paxman. There are others. What has happened to the BBC is a clear warning that even public trusts can be corrupted. These days you can get more information and entertainment watching Russia Today propaganda, which is worth it if only to hear the talking head say, "And here's Dimitri with the sports," or Max Keiser going off on a fabulous expectorate rant against Western capitalism while ignoring the sickly Russian version. No, these days the Beeb is ITV without the ads, diluted right wing pap, nothing more; likely even that difference will disappear soon enough. Meanwhile we get Dan Trelford and Alan Sugar and the rest of the London-based barrow boys. Unlucky us.

 

Comments about SUGAR'S UNSWEETNER
17
I bet if Micky was fired by Sugar he'd say "Fuck you and yours Alan" as he walked out the door :-)
Ste Philips, Litherland, 11:02 AM 13/05/2011
16
Great article, am in agreement 99% but I like the apprentice
Danny, Wirral, 2:25 PM 12/05/2011
15
Fantastic piece, every segment of which i agree with wholeheartedly bar one: the description of the BBC as right-wing! The BBC's pro-leftist bias is legendary, and clear for all to see. it's been that way for more than a decade! As for the main thrust of the piece; the whole problem is greed. The players get paid ASTRONOMIC sums - obviously this varies from club to club, but I'd be ecstatic to be on £20k a WEEK playing for Everton - some players at City, Utd, Liverpool etc are on over £100k a week. In a normal job you push for a pay rise whenever you can, but that's because you're lucky to earn £20k a YEAR. The owners are equally greedy, but that's the same for the owners of ANY business - the only rich people i know are incredibly greedy and incredibly tight - that's how they ended up rich and that's how they stay rich.
Arteta4England, Bristol, 12:50 PM 12/05/2011
14
Micky ........ your FIRED
kevin byrne, eastbourne, 11:30 AM 12/05/2011
13
Didn't watch it, won't ever watch Middle Class M25 media's attempt at recognising the problems of OUR game they know absolutely nothing about. The lazy upper class tw#t didn't even bother leaving London to interview anyone. To give Sugar, Gold, Sullivan et all any air time is the most horrendous use of My licence fee. I want my money back.
Syd Barret, Space, 10:20 PM 11/05/2011
12
A great well thought out rant as always. I don't always agree with them but I agreed with every word in this one. One thing, football's day of reckoning gets nearer each day and when it comes it's going to split wide open. I don't think the UEFA stuff will make much difference except for getting into European competitions. By the way anyone who thinks the Labour Party isn't Right Wing is living in dream land and that's why Sugar got involved with them. How he could be so self righteous after ripping 42 million out of Spurs is beyond me.
Paul, Warrington, 8:48 PM 11/05/2011
11
I squirmed uncomfortably in my comfy chair as i watched, an esteemed manager in Harry Redknap, growing his nose longer and longer by the second. Very painful to watch. Alan Sugar speaks a lot of common sense, without however realising that common sense does not play a part in football. He wants shock tactics, close down immediately 2 or 3 teams who are overspending and hugely in debt. Thats what happens in normal business, but football is DIFFERENT, it involves peoples love and passion, whole communities, families, tradition, and so much more. You just can't take that from us so easily. Imagine, Man Utd, Everton and Aston Villa being the 2 or 3 closed down. It just doesn't bear thinking about. Yes something has to be done, new regulations and business priorities, but you can't just close clubs down to act as an example, it just would cause riots country wide, if not world wide in some cases.
Howie, Mold, 6:01 PM 11/05/2011
10
Proof that even an account of a crap programme can make a great read. Keep it up.
Gerry Morrison, Los Angeles, 4:49 PM 11/05/2011
9
Very well written, I enjoyed reading that. But I agree with Sugar that the game is on the brink of ruin if the men in suits don't sort it out.
Dave, West Derby, 4:35 PM 11/05/2011
8
Shit I wish I was clever. All them big words. Long Live the Thicko's.
Bunson, Wirral, 4:28 PM 11/05/2011
7
The usual MBE angle. Can't say I find the BBC too right-wing. They spent the past 15 years fawning over a Labour govt that was beyond hopeless at addressing anything vaguely resembling a pressing problem. I'd also remind you it was a Labour government that made Alan Sugar a Lord for some strange reason. That being said, I agree he is someone who I have no time for should be kept well away from football. The interesting development in the next couple of years will be the UEFA regulations on financial fair play. My feeling is if they're properly implemented they'll have a big impact but I feel like there's a 0% chance of that happening. Would love to proven wrong.
Al, Smoke, 3:52 PM 11/05/2011
6
Absolutely brilliant summary. Such a pity the BBC deemed it fit that that cockney barrow boy Sugar, would be able to answer what is a very serious problem that concerns practically every supporter of every team in the league. Lets face it, I think supporters of every premier league team have been worried about their clubs finances at one point or another. I'd just like to add a couple of points. Redknapp doesn't know what his players earn? I don't know if 'Awwy is aware of it or not, but the last 3 clubs he managed have gone into administration. If Redknapp doesn't take ANY responsibility for any of that (and he clearly doesn't) he's an even bigger prick than I thought he was. Do you think Moysey isn't aware of who earns what at Everton? Of course he is. He wants to maintain a wage structure. Or does Redknapp believe football is a financial Free For All and you should grab what you can? Clearly Panorama thought this of him a few years ago. As for Alan Shearer, that man is so thick, he'd have to pull his dick out to count to 11. Sullivan and Gold are the Ronnie & Reggie of the Premier League. I said summer it was their intention to deliberately get West Ham relegated. If West Ham do go down, they get £48 million in parachute payments, cut their wage bill, sell their deadwood, sell Scott Parker for £10-15 million, and therefore basically get the club for free. Oh, AND a new stadium thrown in for free. They'll be back up in 2 years, and once settled in their new stadium, sell it on to the next billionaire who breezes into town for a huge profit. And that self-righteous prick Sugar is interviewing people like this? Sullivan and Gold are even bigger gangsters than Sugar. The most damming thing about the whole programme though, was that Sugar ignored the fact that his own bloody club has been sloshing money about that they are not earning almost to the same extent as Man City. Is this man completely stupid? Or maybe he thinks the rest of us are. He gets on national television to criticize the way football clubs are being financially irresponsible, when his own bloody club is one of the biggest culprits. Tabloid television at its worst. The only thing this programme was missing was a pair of tits and a horoscope. I hope you send your article to the BBC. Maybe at some point in the future, they may handle the issue properly.
Mick, MAghull, 2:56 PM 11/05/2011
5
All critiques are full of personal bias and this one is no different. That's what they are for and what gives them spice. Eminently readable even though I don't agree with everything in it. Well done indeed.
Pedant, Abercromby Square, 1:14 PM 11/05/2011
4
I was thinking along the same lines, just not able to put it into words as good as these! Excellent piece, well played
Joe, Bootle, 12:55 PM 11/05/2011
3
This article describes the way I thought of it. Sugar is a joke.
Smegger, Nogsy, 12:33 PM 11/05/2011
2
Indeed what a massive missed opportunity this programme was. But oh dear so too this rant masquerading as critique bent on side swiping personal bete noires.
Brian, Waterloo, 10:14 AM 11/05/2011
1
What an excellently written description of that show, bravo sir, bravo.
Mike@1878, Bootle, 9:36 AM 11/05/2011
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