Mickey Blue Eyes...
Suddenly Any Given Summer
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Every now and then someone asks me to explain the term "Summer Twat" which occasionally finds its way into these opinions.......Well, there is no real explanation. It is an entirely subjective pejorative I invented years ago in a fit of outrage. The cause was the appearance on some brain-dead yoyos of stupid three quarter kecks/cargo pants/combat trousers and their necessary fashion accessories, exposed male hairy legs, bald heads and nose/ear piercings. The only worse accessory is shaved male legs and faces coated with fake sun tan. It is the biggest assault on good taste since Jeremy Clarkson, Andrew Neill, Nick Robinson and Kelvin McKenzie were employed by the BBC. Nor is it limited to men: There are Summer Twatettes too, though generally they are much shapelier than the male version. But of course there are many different types, and if you are going to carry on this admirable moral crusade against dysfunction you should make yourself aware of them.

In truth there is little completely new under the modish sun. In this case the beginnings can be found in the eighteenth century. And being an Englishman I naturally relish an opportunity to blame the French, specifically les sans culottes. No, I am not going to provide more descriptive text, you will have to do your own research; however, the picture hereunder illustrates the start of the trousered disaster.

Traditional Summer Twat, way-back-when.

Afterwards, it took almost half a century for male trouser length to get to a sensible ankle level, which is where it stayed until the advent of Thatcher's Wretched Children, incoherent Punk Rock and a devastating loss of personal pride in a previously solid working class. Dress sense, as always, reflected the new generation's frustrated attitudes. Thus, gradual birth of the new sans culottes. Half cut jeans inevitably turned into - don't laugh - "designer wear" and then morphed into a sort of bastard offshoot of military combat trousers and the kitsch of earlier Bermuda shorts. Interestingly, during his first US visit in the 1960s John Lennon took one look at the original shorts and commented, "What an ugly race," an unguarded and ill advised observation that found its way into his FBI file and the paranoid xenophobia of J. Edgar Hoover. All over a pair of horrible kecks. Lennon was right - if only he could see what it all evolved into. By then Californian and Australian beach bums had also begun development of their own line in trousered ugliness, but it wouldn't really get under way until the late 1970s.

When the worst of the 1980s took hold it slipped in naturally with the useless and untalented scream of despair that was Punk Rock. They were perfectly complementary. Reasonable taste has receded with kecks length ever since. It's a kind of down market, distant couture version of how the Nazis subverted German culture. These days you can see it from Valparaiso to Seattle to Reykjavik to Edinburgh to Moscow to Beijing to Jakarta to Sydney, especially Sydney, and all points back again.

The most recent design version comprises a melange of side pockets, zips and string toggles at knee/calf height. These may be arranged in any number, preferably asymmetrically or even torn. It is obligatory for the pockets to be filled with bric-a-brac and the toggles to dangle uselessly. Footwear is usually a pair of disgusting black ankle socks inside a pair of equally disgusting dirty white trainers. Above the waist, and possibly the coup de grace, is a black or dark coloured tee shirt with shoulders covered in dandruff, all of it topped off with a beanie hat or a threadbare baseball cap. It all adds to the received ugliness, which is very important.

Summer Twat Standard Issue Kecks.

The British naturally evolved their own version of the unleashed beast, especially amongst Thatcher's new peons where money was as short as the kecks. Eventually the middle classes and Europeans followed, as they always do, and even tried to steal it and make it modish. It was of course a disaster because sheer hideousness of the concept was its main motivation, just as it was with Teddy Boy wear of the 1950s. Summer Twattery fitted in neatly with a comical pair of sparrow/fat legs. Superficially the notion is acceptable only if the wearer has a decent set of calves. But why should that matter if you are setting out to punish anybody who takes the trouble to glance at you? Or, for that matter, punish yourself. In the end this uniform means you have learned to love Big Brother. You have surrendered your pride and lost your individuality to the slogan, "I want to be different like everyone else."

Generation X Brit Summer Twat.

A La Mode Summer Twats.

American left, Français centre, Deutsche right.

Antipodean/Californian Summer Twat.

Ultimate Globe-Hopping Summer Twat.

Summer Twatette.

Summer Twattery.

Usually I will give the benefit of the doubt to anybody, but No, I will never learn to accept this assault on my good nature. I would rather walk cherubim style through the Antarctic for six months while balancing an egg on my forehead, or slide down a mile long razor blade and use my balls as a brake. Summer Twats are a branch of evolution that should be hurried to early extinction, preferably with the help of a firing squad and a tightly-sewn mine field. They are the epitome of capitalism, a product of Thatcherism, of Rupert Murdoch, of the Sun and Daily Mail and the sick pantomime of Cool Britannia. They are the representatives of the Military/Industrial Complex Eisenhower warned us about. They are employees of the transnational banking scam that currently attempts to steal the lives of you and your family. They are a soap opera that makes Coronation Street look like Principia Mathematica or The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.

Just say No, people. You know it makes sense. And this has fuck all to do with our lousy season.

Comments about Suddenly Any Given Summer
Why don't these 'Summer Twats' look in a mirror before they go out? Anyway after this they'll never be able to pull on a pair of kecks again without wondering whether they're a 'Summer Twat' or not and thats all a good thing.
Gok Wan, Fashionistaland, 12:15 PM 23/03/2011
You couldn’t be more wrong about Punk rock ‘Granddad’ (He’s about the same age as me - so I can call him that BTW) Punk started in the deeply unfashionable music clubs of New York which quickly spread to the suburbs and inner cities of the UK- it was a reaction to the up your own arse pseudo-intellectual wallpaper music that the AOR guitar and synth stadium bands were churning out. It started as a bottom up movement but predictively sold it’s soul to the record companies and image manufacturers - it was an authentic primal scream not just of despair but of hope and contained a message of defiance - do it your fucking selves kids. It produced bands of the caliber of ‘The Clash, The Jam, Stiff Little Fingers, The Ramones; the Buzzcocks; The Slits; Magazine and without the DIY punk ethos you’ve never have had Joy Division, Magazine, the Smiths - okay,it become corrupted by big business and the ethos watered down so it didn’t scare the horses but punk was the last time a generation had the bollocks to think for itself. I agree about the 3/4 knee stranglers though. Keep up the good work MBE - but you’re wrong about punk
Kev Sparke, Northumberland, 9:36 AM 23/03/2011
I can't stand those baggy shorts all the teams wear these days either. Good shout!
Veteran Fan, Kirkdale, 10:59 PM 22/03/2011
This has to be the signs of premature dimentia? WSG streets ahead .
El Cid, working offshore, 8:52 PM 22/03/2011
Everton Roy , Skem !!!, 8:51 PM 22/03/2011
Summer twats, for whatever reason, just haven't taken the red pill. Sleeping revolutionaries MBE.
jpll4, London, 8:38 PM 22/03/2011
MBE can only be putting these compositions together to get us to react. He's probably getting off on some of the responses as I write this. Its probably best to let him carry on posting. Does he actually spend every waking minute of his sad life worrying about Hitler? Personal political broadcasts aren't needed on football websites. When the jackboots are marching down Mickey's path to kick his door in during the middle of the night then I might consider listening to his daft rants. Especially about the length or type of people's summer attire. It takes all sorts soft lad!! Great shout from one of our more perceptive supporters about the sheep too. Anyway, let's hope our boys keep up the good work and climb the table for the last few games of the season. Eddieparkend COYB
eddieparkend, Real World, 7:31 PM 22/03/2011
PHILLY, DOVECOT, 7:25 PM 22/03/2011
What's wrong with the French? I know plenty of them at uni and not one of them is a c*unt. Sadly that can't be said for a lot of my fellow Brits. It's depressing that you associate being English with being racist. To think I used to think of you as someone with a bit of common sense. Tongue in cheek this article may be, it's pretty tasteless
Grongy, Salford, 6:11 PM 22/03/2011
I always said trackies are better than twatties.
Billy Bump, Huyton, 5:20 PM 22/03/2011
Those photographs are priceless, I've seen Theresa May better dressed. Mick, I hope you realise you've just scarred a generation for life. They'll never live this down. Too funny for words.
Spectator, Crosby, 4:39 PM 22/03/2011
Mickey had a little lamb and his name was Paul from Warrington.
Andrew Osnard, Panama City, 4:33 PM 22/03/2011
Agreed, bar the punk-rock sentiments.
Charlie, London, 4:27 PM 22/03/2011
Some of us wish you would walk through the Antarctic and get eaten by a Polar Bear, but being sympathetic to the wildlife you'd probably give them indigestion ;-p
Big H, Birkenhead, 3:29 PM 22/03/2011
It is jolly well about time somebody told the truth about Punk Rock and all these awful trousers that are knocking around these days. I congratulate this author on his denunciation of everything that is bad in our national culture. Here! Here!
Music Lover, The Phil, Rodney Street, 3:21 PM 22/03/2011
Here on the wirral we've got more summer twats per square mile than anywhere else in the country including Essex. I'm emigrating but not to f**king Australia.
Bladdered, Prenton, 3:16 PM 22/03/2011
Summer twats are the reason there's so much crime. String 'em all up I say.
Retired soldier, Southport, 2:43 PM 22/03/2011
You are not very funny Lad. A Monumental bore !
Eddie, Oxford, 2:29 PM 22/03/2011
Hahahaha! Nice one MBE. You can tell which Summer Twat nerves you hit there :o)
Paul, Warrington, 2:27 PM 22/03/2011
"I naturally relish an opportunity to blame the French, specifically les sans culottes. " Culottes were/are silk knee breeches similar to those in the etching above, worn by the bourgeoisie. The Sans Culottes was the name given by the culottes wearing middle classs to the working classes who couldn't afford culottes and so wore long trousers. King Louis could probably give you a more detailed history ;-)
Madame Guillotine, The Bastille, 2:24 PM 22/03/2011
What the fook are you on? This BELL END talks more shite than anyone i know. MBE? Most Bigoted Evertonian.
robbie, seaforth, 2:22 PM 22/03/2011
Better a Summer Twat.....than just a Twat......
Pete , Wirral, 1:56 PM 22/03/2011
So the King of Nob proves he can also write drivel about non-football related subjects. Makes a pleasant change insulting Aussies instead of fellow Bluenoses.
DaveR, Blackburn, 1:16 PM 22/03/2011
Talk football fool, Mickey Blue Eyes:More like Mega Bell End.
Royal, plymouth, 11:50 AM 22/03/2011
If only MBE's column was as interesting and as talented as punk rock three chords and relentless "oi oi oi"-ing. Alas, it is nowhere near...
Samuel, Somerset, 11:50 AM 22/03/2011
This is pure
Charlie, Old Swan, 11:43 AM 22/03/2011
Summer Twat & proud :)
Jay, Lower Gwladys, 10:43 AM 22/03/2011
We've been saying that for years.
Moss Bros, High Street, 10:35 AM 22/03/2011
Thats it. The kecks are in the bin immediately.
Ste Phillips, Litherland, 10:06 AM 22/03/2011
Fantastic rant!
Nick, Somewhere, 8:42 AM 22/03/2011
I'd love to see what you wear, your a summer twat
jack, west derby, 11:48 PM 21/03/2011
Here in the south west of West Australia we have had one hours rain since November with temperatures in the mid to upper 30s celcius. I wish I was as daring as the ultimate globe trotter shown above.
Joe Doakes, West Australia, 10:23 PM 21/03/2011
I prefer Blue Hilda... MBE you big lump of cheese !
Steve , Wirral, 10:12 PM 21/03/2011
So, the jist of this EFC-free 'article' seems to be a self-congratulatory pat on the back for inventing a 'funny' little phrase ( can't see the OED giving you a call anytime soon ) and that those who wear long shorts are "employees of the transnational banking scam that currently attempts to steal the lives of you and your family"...presumably they also know who really shot JFK and live together in Area 51!! MBE enters The Twilight, do-do-do-do...I would tell ya to stick to footy, but you talk an equal amount of bollocks on that subject too!
Andre Osnard, Panama City, 9:53 PM 21/03/2011
Somebody once bought me a pair of these. Never felt right wearing them. This article makes me relieved for that!!
Andrew David James, North London, 8:50 PM 21/03/2011
Bill , Huyton, 6:54 PM 21/03/2011
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