JAN
27
2011
Mickey Blue Eyes...
CELEBRATING KLUTZ OF GUNSELS MONTH
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CELEBRATING KLUTZ OF GUNSELS MONTH

By

Mickey Blue Eyes

 

As we all know, professional football is usually a great and healthy sports spectacle dogged by off-field delusion, hypocrisy, corruption and plain insanity. And there are two occasions when some footy patients, Othellos all, escape in droves over the asylum wall to shout at road signs and throw orange peel at innocent pigeons. These are the month-long "transfer windows" in August and January, when matters get so stupid, so comically out of hand, so full of idiocy, they should be labelled Klutz of Gunsels Month. It is a time for malignant farce, bogus martyrs from Moronia and a deluge of fish-wife bilge. As if the game didn't have enough problems. At such times your average pipe-fitter, clerk, computer programmer and counter assistant suddenly becomes a footy gauleiter and mystic medium with a touch of Mr. Bean. It can demonise worthy of seventeenth century Salem on a bad Sunday. It generates enough rabid spittle for sane fans to see where Eric Blair got the idea for Two Minutes Hate in 1984. Mainstream media can be even worse. Social media, of course, is now beyond parody.

 

But perhaps it is just as well. Perhaps it is better to let loose demagogues and mountebanks for a short while. Perhaps it is better to let puerile madness out in two great farts rather than in a slow, toxic exhaust. Perhaps it is a necessary catharsis. After all, the game has been bedevilled with that kind of riffraff for as long as I can remember and it isn't going to disappear any time soon. Sadly, there will always be ill-will and ignorance attached to the game. For some, the only motivation they know is bilious misery. The comedy comes into play when they fail to realise they are hitting themselves in the head with a hefty volume of their own inanity.....which is why there is some light relief in prodding them with a stick every now and then just to see their spluttering red-faced outrage.

 

The worst most recent example I am aware of came at the end of our away loss at Stoke as the "window" loomed. As usual this season we had had most of the possession but were virtually non-existent in the final quarter of the pitch. The only time Stoke got into the match was during inevitable phases when they had more of the ball. It was as maddening and irritating as any other similar match since August. It ended in a melancholy 2-0 loss to an average side. At the end of the match as David Moyes walked off a sizeable minority decided this was the time not only to boo but to get a small cluster together to shout "advice" at him, like "Fuck off Moyes," "You fuckn defensive twat" and "Sign someone you useless cunt," before they got back on the unfortunately named Happy Al's buses. Where, doubtless, they busied themselves thinking up other delightful loyalist slogans in between liquid and powder sherbets. It was the kind of sickening tirade that makes you look fondly on your dog's intelligence. Still, it was no real surprise given the hate-filled hysteria created by said minority. We have heard it all before and we will hear it all again, long after Messrs. Moyes, Elstone and Kenwright have departed the scene. Anybody who thinks otherwise is living somewhere on The Yellow Brick Road.

 

So, prompted by the Stoke experience, Iet's consider the "defensive" nonsense levelled at Moyesy. The charge, of course, is complete bollocks. It and its crackpot perpetrators deserve only short shrift, which is all this fan ever gives them anyway. Now, as every reasonably informed fan knows, every team in the Premier League plays 4-5-1 except in phases when they get on top and get more players forward. Absolutely nobody plays 4-4-2 from beginning to end. There is a solid and elementary reason for this: Play four in midfield and you get swamped and suffer the consequences. Each time we have tried 4-4-2 this season it has resulted in playing disaster. The home match V West Brom is an example and so are the appalling first half displays at analfield and at home to West Ham; there are others. Quite apart from that Moyesy has tried all the strikers individually and in pairs and none of them have delivered, except for brief moments. Nobody really knows why; the best guess is that Yakubu's Achilles Tendon snap has finished him at top level, Saha's injury-proneness is finally telling, Anichebe and Beckford simply haven't got what it takes, and James Vaughan too is paying the price for wretched luck with injuries.

 

What is not in dispute - except amongst authentic knob heads - is the quality of pass-and-move play everywhere apart from the final quarter of the field, which is one of the reasons this season has been so maddeningly frustrating. The number of draws speaks for itself. Overall, Moyesy couldn't have done much more than he has with the clay he must work with. There have been only a few matches in which the team have been outright abject from start to finish. This is a long, long way from the situation he had to deal with in his first years at Goodison. The level of expectation his improvements created is in some ways rebounding on him. But you can't expect your run-of-the-mill gunsel to understand that.

 

As to incoming transfers the following remains true:

 

-       We have little if any spare cash for them.

-       We are at or very near the limit of indebtness and go further at our peril.

-       In any case, borrowings are in short supply due to the international banking "crisis." You must have noticed it in the media.

-       Revenues are severely limited by an outdated stadium with restricted capacity. A new stand-alone stadium is not on the horizon, nor is it affordable.

-       UEFA Financial Fair Play rules are soon applicable. The aim of these is to restrict clubs to spending that matches revenue.

-       There are no publicly prospective buyers of the club. Given our situation, none are likely except for those with limited finances and intentions.

-       There is no such thing as an economic magic wand.

 

So the Klutz of Gunsels can continue to whimper, whine and otherwise talk their usual line of self-pitying, empty-headed claptrap from here to the Bering Straits, it won't make a blind bit of difference to the future of the club or, quite rightly, the way Moyesy deploys his team. But frankly you can't expect the culprits to pay attention to reality even with a pack of rabid dogs biting at their arses.

 

After all, it's that time of month.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments about CELEBRATING KLUTZ OF GUNSELS MONTH
31
Tony Garston, MBE already did it in his index, go to football darkness at noon in three parts part 2.
Smegger, Nogsy, 11:34 AM 31/01/2011
30
MBE, as you guys on the site seem to have the resources. I think an article on saying were skint isn't rocket science. A good idea would be to see why we are skint, like a proper report, on out goings, signings, transfer cash, sponsor, prem cash. (read that back and it's sounds abit like I'm avin a go but I'm not I like the site, but it's what the fans want to know)
Tony, Garston, 12:34 AM 31/01/2011
29
I saw that episode at Stoke. It made me ashamed to be an Evertonian. Everyones entitled to their opinion but that was just sick. We can do without 'fans' like that.
Paul, Warrington., 2:40 PM 30/01/2011
28
Yawn, wading through this treacle is like reading the thoughts of waffling sixth former. In short, accept that Everton are skint, stop moaning and listen to Sir.
Phil, Blackpool, 8:27 AM 30/01/2011
27
Please do not use the overused word absolutely anymore. I absolutely mean this absolutely. Is this the 51st state?
James, Hayling, 7:35 AM 30/01/2011
26
Agree with every well chosen word. Anyone who wants less can always buy The Sun or The Daily Mirror.
Ste Philips, Litherland, 12:06 AM 30/01/2011
25
Do you always have to create elaborate metaphors just to try and come across as well read? Most school kids have read 1984 as well. People may say this is articulate but i think it would be much more articulate if you managed to make your points in about half the number of words by cutting out all of the self indulgent bullshit. Jus' sayin'.
Big Al, The Lakes, 7:59 PM 29/01/2011
24
Its Obvious we are heading for administration
Ian C, Preston, 7:45 PM 29/01/2011
23
Crumlin....I certainly see your point, however at the same time mate his job is to put his articulate and refined view on current situations at the club....which in my mind means his 'opinions' and that's what your opposing, however your only opposing to his opinions when your opinions are making you argue with his comments !
Chris Kemp, Blackpool, 4:49 PM 29/01/2011
22
F**s sake, I need to go to bed but after posting some pretty negative words on the last two pages I've had two minutes to think and remember the end of last season. We were all buzzin with the squad an thought we were gona be amazin in the league 2011, remember? We gave key players new deals and we were lookin strong. At the start of the season most of us thought we had the strongest squad we've had for years. The board and Moyesy would have thought the same and not planned for any incoming transfers. Unfortunately Pienaar has gone, we all knew he was going anyway but we still have a squad with bags of potential. We have home grown players like Rodwell, Leon and Baines and that is something to be proud of. If that tranny Ronaldo had produced that bit of magic to setup Beckford in the derby everyone would have been kissin his ass for weeks. We still have a squad with bags of potential and passion so lets forget about the money. How many clubs have a stadium where Pele and Eusebio have played?? Not many. F**s sake I need me bed. COYB. For all you disheartened blues just watch that second goal in the derby an watch the fans go nuts. Sends shivers down my spine.
Danny, Wirral, 3:49 AM 29/01/2011
21
Micky Blue Eyes, we salute you.
Dave Thomson, Liverpool, 12:15 AM 29/01/2011
20
Another class article MBE. Think most level headed blues know and accept our cash restrictions though like yourself are left frustrated yet again when the team need a catalist to arrive and give everyone the belief that we could kick on, We are let down again.
Rob D, Childwall, 10:43 PM 28/01/2011
19
Nail well and truely smacked on the head
Mike B, Surrey, 9:25 PM 28/01/2011
18
'little if any spare cash' we got 3 million for pienaar and 1 million from the yak's deal. where has it gone?!
ryan, liverpool, 6:06 PM 28/01/2011
17
Good sense as usual. Keep fighting the good fight, we need you.
Gerry Morrison, Los Angeles, 4:15 PM 28/01/2011
16
the same fans who were calling for coleman to play wide right because moyes prefered to have ossie even played jack rodwell there and was injured in that game my opinion moyes has been very poor this season i still want him here but his team selections and tactics have been very odd this season and not giving players a chance think everyone is just disapointed after another poor start to ther season when we were all set for a good start with the best squad in 20years we signed 2 players early doors and thought we mean business but gueye and silva havent featured now we get a 17 year cb on loan to be honest i dont think moyes spends money that well i feel the lescot money was wasted anyway i just put in down to a bad season hopefully we can do better next season if we can hold onto rodwell jags felli and baines come on blues if moyes had been at so called bigger club he would have been sacked like hodgeson was i still got faith in moysie its bluebill who needs to answer some serious questions anyway come on you blues !!!!!
s henderson, darlo, 3:52 PM 28/01/2011
15
Those who had a go have paid good money to go and watch Everton play away and so are well entitled to their opinions. Yes we have severe financial constraints... but the manager also has to be held accountable for as well as our incompetent board. £9 million on Billy? £9 million on a player who Moyes really doesnt know where to play. I hear the argument Moyes isnt playing him in the right position and he played for Locamotiv begind the striker... so why, oh why did we buy a player who plays behind the striker when we have Tim Cahill and then shove him out on the wing? I sick to death of reading and hearing that David Moyes is the be all and end all of EFC. He's not and never will be. Things have gone stale under him both on and off the pitch. Time for a change unfortunately..
Adam, L16, Childwall, 3:24 PM 28/01/2011
14
Brilliant article. I see the geniuses are now planning a protest. But they don't know what exactly they're protesting against or what they'd put in it's place. They are an embarrassment to the club. Fortunately the real fans know that Moyes is doing an amazing job in awful circumstances and will get behind the team instead of moaning like a bunch of pre-adolescent girls.
Lew, London, 2:31 PM 28/01/2011
13
Sadly, logic and rationale doesn't apply to football finances and the more rabid football supporters. You list very valid reasons MBE why we haven't made a signing of any sort, not even a loanee, but it won't appease those tripping over themselves to beat up Moyes and the club for the failing. Other than Shitteh and Villa (and probably Chelski before the window closes), look around other clubs. Everton is not alone in not spending (big or small). We are not alone in feeling the global financial squeeze. Even SAF has said Manure will not enter the market this month 'cos there's no value in it. I predict this will be the lowest spending January window since the inception of the PL... but you will still have fans exploding their spleen 'cos Everton hasn't dipped its toe into the transfer market. Ho-hum... now let's twat Chelski on Saturday!
Bluey, Portugal, 1:43 PM 28/01/2011
12
MBE, as usual you have conveyed your views articulately. However, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are right. You appear to have settled for mediocrity with our great club and you do not tolerate the views of other fans, or klutz as you disingenuously refer to them. As a life-long fan I do not like the defensive tactics currently employed on the pitch. I believe that the shackles should be released from our boys and let them have a go. They have the talent. See what happened against Spurs? Nor is it wrong for me to dream about the team once again reaching the heights of the mid-eighties and if I see a lack of ambition, albeit accepting the financial restraints, it is not wrong for me or anyone else to express those views. It does not make us Klutz. It is wrong of you to stifle debate about the club's performance by ridiculing those who criticise the way the club is being brought forward, even where that criticism is constructive and justified.
CrumlinT, Co Antrim, 12:10 PM 28/01/2011
11
Seeing as MBE is such a fan of spurious quotes then I'm sure he will indulge me this one "Total loyalty is possible only when fidelity is emptied of all concrete content, from which changes of mind might naturally arise." Hannah Arendt. You don't have to be part of the 'Happy Al brigade' to realise that Bill Kenwright is now not only holding the club back, but infact dragging it down through lack of investment and shoddy management. I don't like any of the vile abuse thrown at him, but his time is up; to quote a certain Mr Cromwell "You have sat too long for any good you have been doing lately ... Depart, I say; and let us have done with you. In the name of God, go!"
Andrew Osnard, Panama City, 12:02 PM 28/01/2011
10
I agree with massive chunks of this latest offering from MBE wholeheartedly. And it's come at a time when people are allegedly planning and/or organising pre-match protests ahead of the Chelsea FA Cup tie. At a time when everyone SHOULD, nay MUST get behind the team to try and help them overcome the sarfwest larndarners, some think it's better to act as a conglomerate public nuisance. Get behind the team !!! COYB !!!
Andy, Warrington, 11:51 AM 28/01/2011
9
Well Said.
David, Mossely Hill, 11:50 AM 28/01/2011
8
Very true, 4-4-2 is outdated. When cahill plays he fills in, in the midfield when we don't have the ball and gets right up along side the main striker when we do have the ball, tha'ts the exact same role Saha played when we beat Spurs and Scunthorpe the only difference was the personnel. We did not play 4-4-2 in those two games and I hope against Chelsea Saha plays the same role now he's back from injury cos he got more space, rather than being right up against the centre halves when he plays as the main striker.
Steve, Liverpool, 11:21 AM 28/01/2011
7
End of the day Moyes has been s**t this season. Coleman wouldn't be playing on the right wing if the fans never bombarded him with advice !!!
s hendo, darlo, 11:21 AM 28/01/2011
6
Yet another pithy analysis, cuts through the Bulls**t and tells it like it is... The cupboard is bare and we'll have to get on with it
Dodger, Huyton, 11:19 AM 28/01/2011
5
Great article and straight to the point. If Moysey goes, who would take over? Blue Bill is, we are told, looking out for a buyer who will keep Everton as The Peoples Club and not just come in with money to make money! It is unfortunate that EFC are having a poor season but, at times, the football and passing has been superb, just that elusive goal scoring is missing. Get behind the boys and we will be OK. Peanuts leaving was a blow but, if they do not want to play for us, clear off!
GFT Blue, Darn Sarf, 10:17 AM 28/01/2011
4
never were truer words spoken - I agree entirely
steve, midlands, 10:03 AM 28/01/2011
3
Dress it up with fancy reference all you want, But the the fact remains Moyes is negative ( I agree with your opinion on the insulting Neanderthals). Tim Howard in a recent interview stated we always start by keeping it tight and try to not give anything away, (sigh every game?). Also the club isn't for sale so the same old argument rings true with regard to investment. I'm not looking for Moyse's head but profound changes are needed in the running of our club starting with the PR side which is almost none existent.
Beno, Liverpool, 8:45 AM 28/01/2011
2
Sorry MBE, but that was a cheap shot even for you.. You may not like it, but just like you everyone is entitled to their own view...Or did we suddenly turn into N/Korea where everyones opinion is welcome, just as long as it doesnt differ from yours??..
Big H, Birkenhead, 7:43 AM 28/01/2011
1
MBE I have to say that I haven't ever read such tripe on BK. You seem quite happy to accept that our club is selling or shipping off key members of the squad and not replacing them. We are once again becoming a selling club and instead of contenders for Europe we are looking set to once again become a prop of the premier league who sit mid-low table all season and achieve very little. There is some dodgy stuff going on behind the scenes and that fat grab-all Kenwright is behind it. Everyone knows it, just very few have the balls to admit it.
Dave, Bootle, 1:38 AM 28/01/2011
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